Postpartum depression in men and the phenomenon of helicopter parents. What are the challenges of modern parenting?

The event took place on Tuesday, March 17 in Malý Berlin, Trnava. How behavioral patterns have changed, who is a good parent, why we need to be careful about the concept of intensive parenting, and other parenting issues that previous generations did not encounter were discussed by co-founder and presenter of the Mama Gang podcast Ivana "Daša" Hodasová, journalist and co-author of the Otcovia v plienkach podcast Rasťo Kačmár, and psychologist from the Faculty of Arts of the University of Cracow, Dominika Doktorová.

You can watch the recording of the discussion at this link.

Among the many interesting ideas, we choose these ten:

1. A big change today is the transition from community, multi-generational upbringing to independent upbringing – many young parents are moving to (larger) cities and are raising their children alone, without immediate and available help from grandparents. It is much more complicated to manage, for example, childcare. A community of friends (colleagues) with a similar life situation, with whom we can share it, is important.

2. We carry patterns of behavior from our family, whether we want to or not. It is important to know ourselves, to understand how I behave, how I function, how I think. Once I know this, I will know what kind of partner I need in life and subsequently what I establish in my upbringing and relationship with children.

3. The phenomenon of the present father is also important – he participates in the upbringing of the child and the running of the household. It is very beneficial not only for the child, but also for the mother. The stereotype that the father is the one who takes care of the living and the mother is the one who, apart from the child, bears the entire burden of the household is no longer valid to such a significant extent. Behavioral patterns in partner relationships have changed.

4. In Slovakia, we are still doing well, for example, when it comes to relationship disorders - paternity leave (lasting 2 weeks), which has been in operation in Slovakia since 2022, as well as paid parental leave until the child is 3 years old, certainly helps. In many countries, this is not enshrined, or rather. does not last as long (e.g. Switzerland).

5. Advantages of modern parenting: we have much more information available, much better access to healthcare, much lower child mortality. Disadvantages: we can get lost in the information overload, be more anxious (“Am I doing enough? And am I doing it well?”). Sometimes it is better to do things more simply and not put ourselves under pressure, not to doubt ourselves. Beware of the concept of intensive parenting: we want to give our child everything, we invest in everything they need, we sign them up for all possible clubs, etc., but at the same time we feel pressured to have a perfect relationship, a perfect home, cooked and tidy... We need to set realistic expectations.

6. A child is raised by parents, not grandparents. If we have set boundaries for our children and, for example, we are in the habit of eating healthier, it is okay if grandparents give their children a sweet once in a while. It is something special that they don’t have at home. Let's not take away the joy of grandparents spoiling their grandchildren - let's not forbid them from buying sweets, but let's try to give them instructions on what would be more appropriate (for example, recommending specific fruit bars). It will be a win-win-win situation for everyone.

7. Postpartum depression in men is not completely new, but some still downplay it. For men, mocking comments on this topic are hurtful. This is an extremely difficult time for both men and women - the current generation is more open about this topic and more accessible to professional help.

8. We often make the mistake of being so-called "helicopter parents" - we control our children too much, we remove all obstacles for them, we solve all problems for them. However, this does not raise resilient children, they do not believe that they are clever and competent, they do not take responsibility. Later, this can have negative consequences such as self-harm, eating disorders and others.

9. Instead of physical punishment, let's try to explain to children the consequences of their actions. (It is not enough to say that the tea is hot and the child can get burned - try letting him hold a warm cup and saying that it is hot, it burns. If he tries to stick his finger into the warm tea, he will feel the temperature, he will know what it means.)

10. According to the discussants, who is a good parent? The one who raises a happy individual (Dominika Doktorová). The one who is mentally present with the child (Rasťo Kačmár). Good parents are both kind and know how to set boundaries (Ivana "Daša" Hodasová).

BONUS: From the vast amount of literature and online resources in which we can get lost, the hosts have selected books that they recommend to parents. These are the following titles:

• Psychology for Loving Parents (Eva Vavráková)
• Children's Paradise with Parents (Ján Hrustič)
• The Circle of Safe Parenting (Bert Powell, Glen Cooper, Kent Hoffman)
• Healing the Shame That Binds You (John Bradshaw)
• Fathers - Daughters, Mothers - Sons (Verena Kastová)

At the same time, we invite you to the next Evening University, which will take place in November. We will inform you about the exact date, topic and guests in good time.